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Too much pain

In the past I have always used my art as an outlet when there was too much emotion or pain in my life. It saved me more than a few times when it was the only thing I could turn to to let it out and exercise it to keep me from hurting too much.

I am hesitant though to put this down in paint or sketch. I'm afraid that if I do...It'll make it more real and solidify what I am going through right now. And I don't want what's happening right now to be real.

I can live with my daughter growing up and wanting to be independent.

I can't live with the possibility of her hating me or not loving me.

When your own flesh and blood ignores you and wants nothing to do with you.......There is too much hurt and pain, too many unanswered questions. Why, how, what can you do to make it right, why did it all go wrong. Do they love you still? Do they hate you? I try to keep it all to myself and bear it so that I don't burden my second daughter with this heavy load and its more than I can bear. I'm in my bedroom, sitting in the dark, racked with grief and sobbing, over run by the sadness of my twin girls 22 birthday approaching and the eldest of the 2 not talking to me, not inviting me to share any part of her day or her life with me.

I am heart broken.

It takes the youngest of the 2, to finagle and broker a deal for me to be allowed to see the eldest one on her Birthday, long enough to just give her a "Happy Birthday" wish. sad and pathetic is that.....that's not want I want. I want her to want me, to invite me herself into sharing part of her life.

Maybe that'll happen one day. But until it does, I don't want these scraps that are being tossed to me. Its just too sad and depressing.

So, until that happens; I'll try to manifest and envision the future I want with her and to be able bask in that love I had the joy of knowing 21 yrs prior...

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