I wrote this back in February to myself, just yesterday on Mothers day, I think I was avoiding feeling the lost of not having a mom to celebrate. But fate won't let it go and today, I ran across this. So I think it needs to be celebrated and said, by Baring in my own way and being brave enough to let mom know how she has influenced me and affected me all my life. So Happy Belated Mothers Day mom! I Love you.
I miss you
6:49 -8 a.m
I miss my mother, everyday.
Sometimes more than other
Lying here in the dark, the early morning reveals to me secrets exposed.
I remember how she was my everything. She was my heart.
She was the thorn in my side and a constant nag..
I dreaded those phone calls that droned onto lectures and lessons. And I would always think,
why couldn't it just be a phone call of her telling me, how her day was, or what she did
I just wanted to know more about her and to be a part of her life. I don’t remember
much in way of details about my childhood other than it was always filled with so much
memories of love and support from my mom. Her always being there for me with any special school needs or performances.
Whenever I fell at school and skinned my knees, she was there for me, not judging. But there with a fresh pair of stocking or pants.
There was the time in kindergarten when I had peed my pants and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone; but the teacher knew and she quietly called my mom and she came and made it alright and fixed me up without a fuss.
Fuck, she was always there for me, even when she wasn’t around.
Even when she was busy, she made time for me.
I was a shitty daughter. I remember dreading her phone calls that turned into hour long phone/lecture calls. Which resulted into me setting the phone down and going off to do my thing while she droned on and on. I would just pick up the phone and check every now and than that she was still there and I would just interject every few minutes with a "uh huh ", and a "ok" or "yes I know mom "
1 time when i was being particularly shitty; I remember her saying..just wait until when u have kids.
Now its happening to me, the same thing I did to my mom, neglected her and ignored her.
Is this my penance? I can certainly understand how she felt now. A little too late to make up for time now.
Time to share with her.
Time to make memories with her.
Time to show her how much I love her and care.
Man now I feel like such a shit. I was such a crappy daughter for of not realizing how much I neglected her.
Yet...she was still always...there for me, no matter how much time had passed, no matter how
negligent of a daughter I was.
Towards the end, but a little too late..I would call her, out of the blue, just to say "hello", just to let her know how much I loved her.
It always made her so happy. Now I see how pitiful those once a year visits were. Its pathetic..for someone who gave me life, raised me and took take of me with great love and care. Why didn’t I make more time for her in my life? I guess it’s because we always think that our parents will be around...until their not..
Why couldn't I see, what I see now?
This is my biggest regret….not realizing how precious she was and how precious the time is for every living being.
There are some days that I wish my mom was still around to nag me and show me in her own special way that she loves me.
There are some days I wish she would cook for me again her special foods that only she made.
There are some days that I wish I could still smell her special scent again, the mix of herbs, sandalwood soap, white flower oil and Chinese herbs.
There are days I wish I could hold her again.
Things that I'll always remember:
-Caring for me when I was sick and had a fever.
- going to the Palace of Fine Arts to feed ducks.
- coming to my Kindergarden halloween parade and walking around with a brown paper bag over my head that looked like an owl because we were too poor to buy a costume.
- my mom in her apron cooking.
- helping me out with my Chinese homework while cooking.
- mom knitting while watching t.v.
- the entire family watching the Lawrence Welk show together after dinner and Animal
- going shoe shopping with her so much I could be the flower girl in her friends wedding.
- coming out to L.A. to support me during my divorce and hearing.
- mom climbing up into the top bunk with me to sleep with me and comfort me.
- approaching my mom awkwardly to ask her if I could start wearing a bra.
- my mom in bare feet with her pant leg rolled up in a s.s. tee shirt relaxing after a shopping trip to the garment district here in L.A.
- mom packing up a shopping cart and hauling it out to Chinatown to sell stuff on the streets.
- killing a live chicken.
- her coming out every summer with my sister to stay with me for awhile and spending time with me and my girls.
- her telling me, "I dont know if i will be able to make the trip out much longer with my declining health." And feeling very very sad...
- her telling me how one of her greatest wishes was for me to move back to San Francisco so that I could be closer to her and so she could see me every day.
-telling my mom when I had a miscarriage and her telling me it was ok. Not to worry and to wait awhile before trying again.
- my strong, fierce independent mom feeling at her low and hating how her body and disease treated her poorly until she felt her didn’t want to live anymore and sharing her vunerability and that thought with me. It broke my heart that day.
I told her, no don’t worry, you aren't a burden.
I will take care of you mom, you could never be a burden. ..this was on the eve of trying to get ready to go to either last family thanksgiving dinner or get together at Frank's for Kelly Ann and Dexter's celebration.
- her cooking all my fav dishes for me when I went home to visit.
- her nagging me about finding a good man to settle down with who will care for me.
- her telling me she won't worry about me when she's not around anymore because she knows I am strong and independent.
- her coming out to care for my daughters after their birth.
- her coming with me to the hospital to bring home riley after she had already spent 2 months of her life in the N.I.C.U. ward.
- me begging her to please stay longer to help me care for me and my daughters and that I needed her.
- her caring for me post pregnancy. She got to be my mom again, feeding me, caring for me, loving me everyday in the same space.
I miss that..to just be her daughter and to have no other responsibility but to be someone's child and to be loved...
I miss you mom.thank for forgiving me for being such a shitty daughter. Thank you for loving me no matter what.
I love you and miss you everday.